SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

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I must send my thanks to  whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope  that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the  top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no  longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl  (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the  1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all,  but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in  their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about  my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me,  and St. Theresa's novena has  granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because  their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no  eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing  deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a  hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my  friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because  of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can  remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline  without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial  killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to  put "Under God" on their cans .

I no longer use Saran  wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And  thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the  microwave anymore because it will blow up in my  face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the  coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a  needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping  malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or  FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in  disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are  French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because  someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,Singapore , and  Uzbekistan

I no longer buy  expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have  their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's  toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when  it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I  can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I  can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from  certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail  to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large  dove with diarrhea will land on your head at  5:00  PM  this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest  your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this  will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my  next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second  husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful  day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American  scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,  has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the  mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too  late.